The Ice Is Thin, Come On, Dive In
by InnocentGuilt
Summary: Rated for language and dark imaginery. Excerpt: Bones called the time of death and stepped away from the table... Slash, Bones/Jim. Part of the Butterfly Verse.


Disclaimer: I like to play with them…but they aren't mine. It's so much suckage.

A/N: Ah…this is really not nice…at all. Um, it's a companion piece to Just Between You and Me…but not really. It takes place in the same 'verse. I think it stands alone, but feel free to read my other story :). There are a lot of loopholes to be found here, ask and I shall assuage all complaints to the best of my ability. It was all in my head, but for the flow of the story I just couldn't bring myself to get all the nitty-gritty details.

Bones called the time of death and stepped away from the table with a mortified feeling swarming his head. He wanted to keep going, to keep trying for the baby's life, but after five hours…five hours of trying to stop the bleeding and fix broken bones, trying to keep his heart going, trying to fix the cranium and reduce the damage done to the infant's small brain… Bones could taste a bitter tang on his tongue. There was nothing he could do. He had tried, going further than he should have, knowing beneath all his hope and his medical skills that the baby boy was dead before he had been laid down on the operating table.

He looked up at Nurse Chapel, seeing his own distress reflected in her teary blue eyes as she pulled a blanket over the baby's tiny form with shaking hands. Her operating mask pulled down from her face showed her shell shocked features, muscles slackened and mouth hanging open in disbelief. Behind them, he could hear the assistant's quiet sniffles as she put in the time of death. They had all tried so hard.

Bones pulled the operating gown away from his body, throwing the bloodied garment away from him angrily, before snatching his own operating mask just as violently. His mortification was quickly morphing inside him, evolving into something angry and murderous. His blood was beginning to boil, bubbling uproariously in his ears as he yelled, "God dammit!" into the mostly silent room, startling the two women, and causing the assistant to let a few more sobs out for the two of them. He put his hands over his face, rubbing at his eyes and pulling on his skin in an attempt to temper the emotions roiling inside him. His teeth were gnashing almost painfully and completely without his consent, but the pain had to get out somehow. It couldn't stay inside him.

His hands grated towards his hair, grabbing a fistful for each one and pulling for all his might. His heart beat wildly in his chest, mixing and raging emotions causing his adrenaline to run. It hurt so damn bad, but not near as much as letting that sweet, little baby slip through his fingers. It didn't hurt nearly as much as knowing there was nothing he could have done to help. And it sure as hell didn't hurt enough to curb the white-hot rage coursing through his veins at the knowledge that this had been no fucking accident or freak-phenomena of nature. That baby…the little_ boy_ had been_ murdered_! Thrown against the wall like a goddamn_ ragdoll_.

It was a miracle he even survived long enough to make it to Bones arms. Damn near every bone in his body had been broken upon impact with the metal walls of the Terran colony homes they had been orbiting. His soft skull had been all but liquefied, and_ fuck_! What had Jim expected him to do?

_Jim…_

The frantic way Jim has scrambled up to him, the baby's limp form, barely breathing and definitely not moving, cradled close to his chest, flashed behind Bones' eyelids. The desperation in his blue eyes as he handed the child over as gently as he could, trying not to hurt the baby further, as words fell from his lips, mostly babble but understood nonetheless as he pleaded for the little boy to be okay. He barely had enough control over himself to tell Bones what had happened, and it hit the doctor now that his patient was…that he couldn't… It hit him that for the child to have even made it to Bones' arms in the first place, Jim would have had to be close when the little boy was thrown.

Really close, like in the same room.

His blood ran cold within a split second. He could all but feel the terror that would have overridden Jim's initial need to beat the shit out of whoever had thrown the baby boy. He knew that Jim – all latent parental urges and brokenness over never having held his own breathing son—had honestly expected Bones to pull off another medical miracle and save that which could never be saved, to fix what couldn't be fixed thirteen years ago, and hand him a healthy child in replacement for the dying-already-dead baby boy that had been given to the doctor.

Bones knew Jim would be in the Sickbay, waiting for his answer, despite how much he wanted to go to where ever they were detaining the baby's attacker—and there was never a doubt in Bones mind that Jim had had the attacker detained. He also knew without a shadow of a doubt that Jim would break the moment Bones stepped out of Operating room. He spared a moment to himself, trying to think of the best way to deal with the unbridled fury that would consume Jim when he found out that another baby, another son—despite the fact he hadn't been Jim's—had slipped through his fingers.

He looked around the room, finding Nurse Chapel and their assistant still waiting, remaining to see what would happen next. Without anything but the vaguest plan and the knowledge of exactly how his lover would react to the heartbreaking news, he told them, "Come with me, and do exactly as I say."

They nodded simultaneously, unknowing of what they would face, but knowing the tone in his voice meant that hell was about to break loose and once again they would be all that could stop it from getting out of control. Bones walked, swiftly despite his leaden, broken heart, to the open Sickbay where Jim looked up. The doctor geared up quickly, pulling energy from reserves he didn't know he had as a myriad of emotions painted Jim's face in the ultimate portrait of pain, before contorting into rage, because Jim knew. There was no way he couldn't. One look at Bones disheveled appearance, and the women's distraught visage…

"Jim…" Bones called, knowing it was useless, but hoping to talk to him, to settle him.

It had just the opposite effect. Jim's fury was visceral, and it seemed that one word was a springboard. The Captain jumped down off the biobed he had been waiting on and made for the doors to Sickbay, one destination clear in his icy eyes.

"Jim!"

Bones had never moved so fast in his life, forgetting about the women instantly as he did to take hold of his lover's arm. Jim struggled against him, his strength magnified by his anger, his need for retribution making him pull stubbornly.

"Let go of me, Bones!" he demanded through his own clenching teeth. He never turned back to look his captor in the eye, his own gaze focused on the doors to which he wanted to escape, and towards the person he was going to do irreparable damage to. If Bones had been anyone else, any lesser man, he would have let the captain go. And god if he didn't wish he could. Lord knew the bastard deserved to get his face smashed in for what had been done to that defenseless baby. But Jim didn't deserve it, because it wouldn't change a damn thing, and it wouldn't take the hurt away.

"Let go!" he yelled again.

The doctor tugged sharply, pulling Jim back into him and wrapping his arms around his torso, pinning Jim's arms to his chest, to keep his lover flush against him. If he could keep a grip on Jim's arms, he had a fighting chance of getting him back to his office and containing his temper behind a shut door. He hefted Jim two steps back, using all of his bodily force and never so happy that he and Jim were matched in physical stature and relative strength.

The captain landed several backwards kicks to Bones' shins and he thrashed a goodly amount in his attempt to escape, but he held tight, using any trick that came to mind to outmaneuver his distraught lover. The CMO's office wasn't too far away. Six feet at the most. Bones looked back, just barely dodging Jim's head as he threw it back.

"Dammit, Jim! Stop it!" he growled over the grunts Jim ground out. He took another step back, stumbling just a little when Jim tangled his feet around Bones'.

"I'm gonna kill him!" Jim hollered at no one in particular, rage and grief evident in his voice. "I'm gonna let him know what pain is! I'm gonna give him a taste of his own damn medicine!"

Jim thrashed even harder after Bones' misstep, but they were both fighting purely on their adrenaline and Jim was clouded by his utter rage at things past and present. Bones was faster. He regained footing and even tightened his grip on Jim, because Jim was losing himself in the fury rather than paying attention to the subtle pause in Bones' grip on him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Christine reaching for a hypo, while still keeping a firm grip on the young assistant, who stood staring at her CMO and Captain as they grapple to and away from the office at the same time.

"Chapel!" he barked, making it another step back as Jim strained against him. She looked up at him, understanding that the sedative she had planned was not what the doctor wanted. She set it back down, looking at him expectantly, never voicing a word as if it would unleash an entirely new monster.

"Comm Spock and tell him to double security around the prisoner!" he ground his teeth in an effort to keep hold of Jim, who had decided to try pushing against Bones' grip with his arms.

"Yes, Doctor," she said, grabbing the assistant's arm as she went over to the comm. system, her eyes following the two men on their slow journey to the office. Bones had to hand it to her; she looked like she had a plan at the very least, if he lost his grip on Jim.

Jim scrabbled when he heard the order, groaning as he struggled even harder, "It won't make a fucking difference to me!"

It would and at least he and Nurse Chapel knew that. If Jim couldn't get away from the doctor, there was no way he would face up against the Security team. He may be able to beat the ever-loving soul out of someone, but he had no strategy and he wasn't even breathing enough to make one. Bones stepped back, two, three, four times and finally he was able to thrust Jim into his office, stepping in quickly behind him and locking the door.

Breathing erratically, he faced off against Jim who stood in the center of his office glaring daggers across the expanse. He stood directly between the door and Jim, a force field of his own creating because if there was one thing he trusted about Jim it was that he wouldn't lay a finger on him. It didn't matter how angry he was, Jim was still Jim, and even with all the anger scorching from his core outwards Jim loved Bones too much to risk hurting him.

He met Jim's blue-fire eyes, aching with the depth of emotion he could see crying out, knowing that all of his lover's fury was fueled completely by pain. Pain because he couldn't save the baby boy; that he couldn't have prevented what happened; that he had lost another baby; pain that he had ever lost one at all.

"Move," he growled, standing perfectly still.

"Fat chance."

The muscle in his jaw twitched; his face hard and focused solely on Bones. He spat his next demand, "Doctor, I order you to get out of my way."

"You're in no shape to give any orders, Captain," told him, his tone taking some of the latent anger that he had in the operating room. He was in no way calm, and if they were anyone else, anywhere else, Bones would keep guard while Jim let his fury out. But Jim was the Captain of his own ship and he had worked hard to be the Captain everyone expected of him. He wasn't going to let him throw that away. "You're not leaving this room until you've calmed down!"

"_Calmed down?_ How the fuck am I supposed to_ calm down_ knowing that monster is in the brig? Knowing what he did to his own child? His_ own child_!" Jim yelled, staring at him in disbelief. "Fuck, Bones! You operated on him for_ five hours_. How can you not want to help me?"

He didn't like it when Jim played those cards. It made him feel soulless, and he wasn't. He had wanted nothing more than to save that little boy, and when he couldn't he'd wanted nothing more than to skin whoever had killed him alive. The anger still burned just as brightly as Jim's did, he just wasn't letting it consume him.

"I'm not saying I don't," he barked, his words sharp and crisp. "But we're Starfleet officers, Jim. We can't just go taking retribution at a whim, no matter how much it's deserved!"

Jim snorted, looking away from him as he shook his head.

"You're a Captain. You can't just go beating the shit out of people. I know it hurts…" Bones tried to sooth them both, at least get Jim to where he wasn't drowning in a pit of his own fury. He could never sooth away what Jim had seen, and it would never take away the sorrow at the fact both he and his son had died, but he needed to find some semblance of control, or Bones was going to have to relieve him of his duty.

Jim's eyes flew up to him again, still just as angry as before, and he yelled pointing at Bones accusatorily, "You don't know what the fuck I'm feeling! You don't know what it was like to hold him and know there wasn't a damn thing you could do! You didn't have to see it! I_ saw_ what that man did to his child…dammit, I was there when he…Motherfucker!" He looked for a moment like he might kick something, but instead he clenched his fist until his knuckles were bone white. "You shouldn't fucking protect him!"

"I'm not! I hope they tar and feather his ass and then hang him with a good old-fashioned_ noose_. But your justice will lose you the_ Enterprise_ the second Command finds out and it won't make you feel better! Beating the shit out of him won't undo what he's done and it won't bring David back!"

If Bones could go back in time…

He had let his words get away from him while he had been yelling, so desperate to make Jim see reason, that he wasn't protecting anyone but Jim. David had just slipped out. He felt his heart pick up pace, beating fearfully in his chest. These were unchartered waters. Bones didn't think that anyone had ever braved to tread here, not even his mother. He didn't know what Jim would do, but at this point it looked like this argument could only get worse.

Jim's face just went blank, and he blink once, twice, before demanding in a deadly quiet voice that he had never used in a single one of their arguments, "What did you say?"

His hands were still clenched tightly beside, flexing wildly as if he wanted to hit the closest thing available and at this point Bones was willing to submit to being a punching bag. Jim's jaw muscles were twitching wildly. And when Bones looked into his eyes, it was like had had opened a whole knew flood gate of anguish, and it nearly killed him to know that.

The doctor stepped towards him, his first reaction always to help Jim, to ease his pain. His heart still beating frantically, he held out his hand, reaching to make contact no matter how brief it was. He answered, his voice steady and regretful, "I know about David, Jim."

"Get the fuck away from me!" he screeched, jumping away from Bones' outstretched hand as he glowered at it with contempt. When he closed his eyes, Bones noticed how unsteady his breathing was, his mouth hanging open to swallow uneven gasps of breath. One of his fists loosened just enough to shoot through his hair, before he rounded on Bones again, anger smoldering like burning embers thirteen years old. "How the hell did you find out about that?"

Bones didn't hesitate, knowing Jim needed answers instant and honest. "He was in your medical file."

"Why the hell would that be in my medical file? Children aren't listed in their parents' medical file unless they're next of kin." The unspoken 'and he obviously can't be my next of kin' hung heavy in the air between them, making it hurt to breathe in the heavy tension.

"Under your psychological tab."

"I never told Starfleet_ shit_ about him." Bones doubted he had told anyone he didn't have to about David. "You went through my file at Riverside! Why?" he challenged, his eyes turning bluer, though his voice kept that steely edge.

Bones withheld a sigh. It would be clear to Jim why he had gone through his file at Riverside, if he weren't so angry, but the fact of the matter was that there was no way Jim wouldn't be angry, whether it had come up today after the tragedy of losing the little boy or ten years from now when Bones couldn't keep David his own secret any longer. David was supposed to be Jim's secret. He worked hard to keep David buried and the pain inside him where only he could feel it. David was supposed to be his own brand of pain, shared between him and Carol. "I needed a list of your allergies. Starfleet wouldn't give them to me when we were in the Academy, so I looked up your record from Iowa."

The captain barely let him finish, asking fiercely, "You couldn't just ask me? You had to go snooping—"

"Don't give me that shit. Dammit, Jim, you barely know your own fucking blood type. You couldn't have listed half of your goddamn allergies and if you could have, you sure as hell wouldn't have been able to do it when I needed you to!"

Their voices were escalating again. Jim's false calm slipping again and Bones frustration at this entire day getting the better of him.

"Fine, which one of my_ allergies_ was listed under my psych tab, huh?" yelled condescendingly.

"If you would just calm down and think clearly—"

Jim yelled over him, "I am thinking clearly!"

"No, you're not! You're angry. You're angry and I admit I probably deserve a good portion it, but damn it! You're jumping to conclusions and refusing to let me explain!" Bones defended himself, tired of being under attack. He was glad that Jim had momentarily lost his taste for murder, but Bones was not accustomed to being the full target of his lover's anger.

"Explain away, then! I'm all ears." He waved his hands in encouragement, a sneer curling his face in a mockery of a smile. He took a few steps and sat down in Bones chair, leaning back in a practiced move that was meant to look careless, but only ever belied how tense he was.

The doctor went over to him, grabbing the arms of his chair and pulling it down so that Jim was sitting up straight, glaring eye to eye with Bones as he leaned down over the captain. Jim pulled his head as far away from him as he could, refusing to break eye contact but wanting as much distance to help him build his armor around him. "I'm waiting," he ground out through barely moving lips.

Bones studied his tense face for a moment before he began, keeping his voice steady, "I looked up your file at Riverside Hospital for your allergies, yes, but while I was there I saw in your_ medical_ file that you had been prescribed drugs that you were still taking when you left for Starfleet." Jim's face morphed indignantly, and he opened his mouth to protest again, but Bones cut him off with a sharp shake of the chair. "Let me finish! I wanted a list of your medications so I would know what not to give you. Certain medications don't mix, so don't go off biting my head off for looking through your medications as well. I'm your_ doctor_, Jim. I have to know these things!"

"Doesn't tell me what the hell you were doing in my psych tab."

"It was noted that you had medications given to you by your psychologist," he explained, and he felt some tension giving away between them. Not all of it, but enough to where it didn't hurt to breathe. "I went to your psych tab to find out which prescriptions the shrink had decided to give you, because they weren't listed in your medical file. Why they weren't, I don't know. You'll have to take that up with Riverside Hospital."

Jim finally broke their staring contest, looking down at his lap as he asked, "Did you have to read my entire psych tab?"

"Yes!" he said incredulously, as if there could be no other answer. "You're my friend…my lover, for chrissakes! I wanted to know what hurt you so I could help fix it if possible. I love you and I loved you then, when you were a drunken idiot bleeding all over our carpet!"

He sighed when Jim didn't look up, didn't say anything, wishing that he could just show Jim what had been going through his mind when he decided to read his psychological tab. He never thought he'd be jealous of Spock's ability to just_ show_ people what he needed to convey. He reached for one of Jim's hands, which had finally relaxed from fists. "I just wanted to help."

Bones' heart broke just a little more when Jim pulled his hand away, picking his head up to show his eyes swimming with unshed tears. He knew it would come eventually, first that little boy, and then bringing David up…Bones knew that Jim would eventually lose his tight grip on his sadness. He couldn't bottle things like that up forever. It didn't make any easier to see. He hated seeing Jim like this. It tore at every last fiber of his sanity.

"I can't deal with this," Jim said, shaking his head and moving to stand, despite the fact Bones still hovered over him. He sat back down just as quickly, when he realized the doctor wasn't going to move.

"You're not leaving, Jim," he said quietly, forcing himself to look into blue eyes that always glowed when he cried.

"Why not?" he pleaded, his voice strained with the weight of his sadness. He stared up into Bones face, begging to be let go, to be anywhere but here with Bones. That hurt…it hurt like hell, but Bones stood resolute.

"Because I know what you're going to do. You'll just go down to the brig and beat the shit out of that guy until he can't breathe and your hands are bloody stubs. I told you, I'm not going to let you do that. I don't care what you think it'll do for you. It's not going to help with anything you think it will."

Jim's brows furrowed with a shadow of the anger he had portrayed earlier. "This isn't about my son if you still think that's what this is about," he bit out stubbornly.

"Bullshit! I know it's not completely about David. How could it be? An innocent infant was thrown across the room. That's all anyone would have to hear and they'd shoot the bastard without hesitation! But don't deny that when you picked that baby up…" The first tear fell from Jim's hurt eyes, and Bones bit down on his own tongue. He reached up to brush the tear away, the wetness solidifying Bones empathy with Jim, feeling his overwhelming pain as if it were his own. He felt pinpricks at his own eyes, as he told Jim, "I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I don't want you to tarnish your son's memory because of that piece of shit. And that's all you would be doing if you went down to the brig."

In one final burst of fury, Jim yelled, "But he_ deserves_ it! He fucking deserves it for…for_ killing_ what I would have_ killed to have at all!"_

His face crumpled into pure agony and more tears coursed down his face. "How could he do that? How could he…It was his_ baby_." His voice broke with the final word, and he looked up at Bones with a lost look in his eyes. "It was his son, and he was healthy and beautiful and strong and I would have given my_ soul_ to have him. I would have. I wanted David_ so bad_."

Bones knew this wasn't his Jim anymore. This was Jim, fifteen and hurting at the loss of his baby, trying to understand what had gone wrong. Tears poured freely from his eyes, thirteen years worth bottled up and kept in a tight confinement finally finding release. Bones felt some of his own tears slipping as well, but he paid them no mind as he listened to Jim embrace a pain he had kept at arms length for so long. "

"It hurt_ so much_ when they…the doctor handed me…he was so_ still_. I would have given…given anything to hear him cry. That's all that baby was doing. He was just…he was just crying, and he…he killed him. It's not fair! _Bones_…" Jim called brokenly, reaching out for him blindly as curled in on himself, breaking down into sobs.

Bones didn't hesitate. He sank to the floor, pulling Jim from the chair and into his arms. He held him tightly, tighter than he did when Jim was struggling against him that scant twenty minutes beforehand, trying to convey without words that he was there and that he would get Jim through this. He never promised that it would be okay, because it probably wouldn't be. Jim had carried the pain at losing David for thirteen year and he would carry it for the rest of his life. He would carry the death of this child, as well. But Bones would be there. He would be there, and he would help in any way possible.

He stroked Jim's hair, tucking his head under his cheek as Jim continued to cry out, "It's not fair," over and over again into the quickly wetting fabric of the doctor's shirt. It wasn't fair, and Bones wished that there was some way he could fix it, but he couldn't fix everything. He couldn't even save the life of a helpless baby boy, who still lay under a blanket, his eyes closed forever against the cruelty of the world.

Jim gripped Bones tightly, hugging himself into the blue shirt beneath his head, taking the comfort that Bones offered greedily and trying to crawl inside the doctor's warmth. When his words finally died off of his lips, and all that was left were hiccupping tears, he settled bonelessly into the body beneath him, breathing deep breaths. He reached plaintively for Bones hand, threading their fingers together and holding on as if his life depended on it.

"I think…" he said between stuttering, deep breaths, "That I scared the…the hell out of that assistant." He sniffed. "I should probably go…go and explain myself."

"Oh, darlin', you let me deal with her later," Bones compromised, rubbing Jim's back soothingly, as if that would steady his breathing. "Just stay with me, right now. Stay with me."

Jim squeezed his fingers between his, a small statement of a love he still couldn't always vocalize. "There's no where else I'd rather be."

A/N: I understand if you don't like me. But you can always take a page out of McCoy's book, and tar and feather me, then hang me with a good ol' fashioned noose. I'm game!

InnocentGuilt


End file.
